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[28 Dec 2011|01:16am] |
Today is my 3-years anniversary. On this day, three years ago, I checked out of rehab and promised myself to stay clean and sober for the rest of my life. I haven’t touched a beer or any kind of drugs since that day. The battle is far from over yet, but with each day it’s getting a bit easier and it’s such a liberating feeling to wake up without worrying about the first fix of the day. It may sound cliché, but I am finally, for once and for all, my own being.
I have always had things to help me define who I am. When I was a boy, it was my rage and anger that made me who I am. I hated the world and I hated my father. It was my father’s fault that I started raging against the world. He was a drunk and the day he ended up behind bars may very well be the worst, and the best, day of my life. Worst because I believed in him when he told me that he’d change, best because that was the last time he was able to disappointment me. I visited him a few times, and then I stopped, because it hurts to be around someone that makes you as angry as he did me.
I was known as a violent kid, I was always involved in the fights in my neighbourhood. Everyone knew me, they called me “that Irish boy”. It was always “that Irish boy” . So being the kid that was constantly involved in fights, and being “that Irish boy” was two other ways to define myself. I think I felt strong when I knew that others feared me.
Then, when I grew older, music defined me. After that one night, when the boys and I went to see Sex Pistols, I had a mission in life and we made it happen. As soon as the band was a fact, I defined myself as the lead singer of our band. I had lots of women and everyone wanted me. That’s what I thought back then. But even though I pretended to hate everyone around me, I was looking for love and I thought I found love with my ex wife. She proved to be my life’s biggest mistake, but she gave me my children and they are the most precious treasure in my life.
She introduced me to drugs. It didn’t take long until I was all about the drugs. I spent my days worrying, that I wouldn’t be able to get a fix, that they’d see that I was stoned out of my mind and that I’d lose my job. Nothing made me happier than using the drugs. I was a happy junky.
Until I overdosed for the first time. I think I did it because I wanted to die. They told me that I cried when I woke up at the hospital. When I returned from the hospital I started leading a terrible life. It didn’t take long until I ended up at the hospital again, after having survived my second overdose. One of my band mates had found me.
We split up after that. They didn’t feel safe with me as their lead singer. I don’t blame them. Right then, I thought of myself as loser and I think I was a loser as well. I had forsaken everything I held dear for the sake of my next fix. My family, my career. Even though I tried to do solo, I had lost the spark and it was useless.
Before this last stay on rehab, I have checked in and out. I never really wanted to stay sober before. However, my daughter’s ultimatum to remain sober to be able to spend time with my grandson was all I needed to hear. I couldn’t keep forsaking my family
Growing older has taught me many things and it may sound silly but I grow wiser every day. My grandson Atticus is one of my greatest teachers. He’s taught me that I love being wrong. I never thought I’d live to see my grandchildren, but there he is.
I never thought that I’d find love, someone that wants me for who I am, but I am back with the person I have loved all along and that’s where I belong. This is real love, as real as it ever gets
I know now that I don’t need drugs. I am a rich man, I have my family and my life partner right next to me. I didn’t think that I’d live to become this old, but since life has made me this happy, I can’t wait to grow older and see what else it has in store for me.
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